SELF-FORGIVENESS is a path to SELF-LOVE
Recently, I came face to face with bad decisions of my past, one in particular that opened up old wounds. I married when I was very young, not knowing who I was or who the man I was marrying was. Basically,, I was a blind kitten lost in the dark. It felt like it was the right thing to do at the time because my culture expects a woman to get married and have children by mid 20s. Me and my husband went through a drama storm trying to make sense of our union that actually made no sense at all and soon ended in a painful divorce. The only blessing that I received in our miserable marriage was my darling daughter.
Fast forward 20 years later to the present moment. I am on my way to a family court attempting to settle some unpleasant financial matters with my former spouse. My inner voice was telling me “not worth it, waste of time, leave it alone, move on” but I did not listen. I fell into an ego trap, digging up long buried bones, and infusing my life with unnecessary stress. Days leading to the court, I walked around with feelings of unbearable anxiety and none of my self-help practices seemed effective. The anxiety kept rising and kicking…
I could not put my finger on it.
Is it the thought of seeing him?
Surprisingly, it was none of the above.
As I sat on a hard wooden court bench with my shadowy anxiety, I suddenly had an epiphany. I knew exactly what the cause of my uneasiness was. It was my own internal struggle to FORGIVE MYSLEF. How can someone like me who continuously strives for self improvement and preaches love, fall victim to anger? Unacceptable. I was supposed to be an awakened soul living out of consciousness. I knew all along that the court road would lead nowhere and I still took that road. I was my own worst enemy. I was beating myself up with a heavy guilt stick.
I have done an abundance of personal work to forgive others in my life, to chose peace, and yet there I was…not being forgiving to my own self. Why? See dear one, that is where deep soul work begins. To project forgiveness into the world, we must first cultivate it in our own heart. Our “bad decisions” and challenging situations create opportunities for self-love. We cannot fully forgive others until we learn to forgive ourselves first.
Here is my self-forgiveness affirmation that has been helping me to heal: